some good advice….but i need to clarify something….

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Last evening I had a suprise phone call out of the blue from my old boss. She was after finding out how I was and had heard I was down and also the impending work problems.
Lovely chat and some great advice for me on how to change things. Like I need to toughen up start to ignore people and not listen to what is said, especially promises of better times to come. As she pointed out promises very rarely happen. I have to stop being so sensative kindhearted careing and generous and stop worrying about other people and their lives and start to worry about my life and me only. I must also stop letting people take advantage of me. Then when I am feeling stronger and happier I can go back to thinking about others. She was also aware of the hassle that I get at work from certain people and realized how difficult it is for me but offered me her support.
This all seems very good advice to me, but the next bit I am not so sure about is regarding my youngest daughter, she advised that I deny her existance for now and try not to think about her for now and then when I feel stronger and more able to deal with it. I can go back and work out a solution but at the moment she pointed out that I am going nowhere so need to change as its all dragging me down. I do agree with her on this point.
To anyone who reads this I would like to know your views re the daughter issue is this a good idea or not. I was sure it was last night but not so sure this morning. I feel I should point out that my old boss is probably one of the very few people in this world who understands what makes me tick and how I like to be treated. Hence the blog and asking for advice. Thank you.
I am now going to post this and then return to the warmth of the office as I am not so sure that sitting in shirt sleeves on a snowy day in my fav square is a good idea…..

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Just sat listening to my music player and a song came on by Martina Mcbride called Concrete Angel…..its a great song about a very sad subject….Child Abuse…..it got me thinking about my childhood and so i decided to try and write about it. Nothing special to start with usual stuff then my brother arrived but still nothing special, walks across the fields with Dad to watch the trains on the Great Westen, the smell of the steam and the thundering noise, and the new even faster desiels in there flash gree or maroon livery…. If i am honest i dont know where it went wrong but i do remember be around 8 and thinking it strange that my mother never spent time with me, but i was never bothered as i had great times with my Dad. Then all of a sudden it was just past my 11th birthday and Dad died, no warning a sudden heart attack and he was gone and i was heart broken, so many tears and no one there for me….. This is where things went downhill for me and got very tough. My mother turned against me, first with beatings then mental torture and cruelty and then i was kept out of the way. For weeks on end i would only get fed at school so once a day and i must have been the only pupil who looked forward to school dinners. For no reason at all i would get beaten/hit usually with a very heavy hairbrush i think it was but also a frying fan or saucepan. It would hurt but i wasnt one for bruising so there was no evidence to show what was happening. One Sunday afternoon she even poured a large saucepan over me full with boilng water and that was unbearable. It made a mess of my head blisters all over and so much pain and i mean pain and that lasted for weeks. This is where i devised my plan for getting out of school. I was in so much pain that i could not face school, so i worked out how to get my registration mark and then opt out. I soon learnt that if i was to sit at the back of the glass and say nowt and not take part the teachers wouldnt take any notice of me and so there you have it my final two years in school spent doing anything but education. Mostly spent sat in the woods unless it was wet and plan B came into force and i went to school but never spoke to anyone. My brother was oblivious to this and to a certain extent still is but he was treated so differently to me always got what he wanted always had presents new clothes etc while i went without. i dont hold a grudge against him for it, but he choose to disown me. I would come home from school on numerous occiasions and would get a beating for no reason at all, she would make up stories about so and so teacher had rung her to say i was being a neiucense in class, well that was a lie because i was never in the class and no way did that teacher know who i was. But she was hell bent on making my life hell. There was so much verbal abuse and that would take place on a daily basis along with the physical beatings. she would repeatedly tell me i was useless and worthless and i would never achive anything with my life and know one would want me and i would grow old alone and a failure. I now sit here writing this and thinking how true that is as i try to unravel the mess my life is in now and my inability to form new relationships. Eventually a teacher at school i think thought something was wrong and in the March of the final year at school called me into his office. Usual stuff, what do you want to do when you leave school, i didnt know what to say, wanted to say leave home and leave this town but was to scared. He made a suggestion, join the Royal Navy and he showed me some brouchers about life in a blue suit, i was hooked and a phone call later and i had an interview the following week and as they say the rest if history. All the beatings had an affect on me and i became very shy and withdrawn and struggled with people making friends etc and until i was in my 30’s i had a terrible flinch and could not cope with people near me or people close by raising a hand towards me. I joined the Royal Navy the summer i finished with school and never looked back, i saw my mother the night before but didnt tell her and that was the last time i saw her…..It was a hard experience but i made it through but when i was growing up there was no way i would have been able to speak out and ask for help. I guess i was to scared and didnt know who to turn too or who to ask or what to say so i just kept quiet. I still have nightmares to this day about it and guess that is something i will have to live with. Being a Dad i still cant understand why someone could be like that to their child…But that was then and this is now….But i do feel this has had a lasting affect on my life and especially my confidence. I really struggle with new friendships and relationships always reading to much into something getting the wrong end of the stick and messing things up. It does not matter how hard i try i just fail and others get the better of me. Guess i am a softie and know one wants a softie. one last thing i wrote this on my phone but being the luddite i am i cant find the spell check….so apologies for the spelling mistakes….

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Silent Sunday……..

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things that go bump in the night

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Something odd is happening in my house at the moment. It started I guess a month or 6 weeks ago when I would get home from work and find a light on in the house. This grew and it would be several lights then one evening the heating was on full blast. Then I came home to the CD player playing Killing Joke, then another time the television was on.
This started to freak me out and then things went missing, a 2 litre bottle of coke vanished never to be seen again. Things I put down are moved books have been moved from shelf to shelf.
Then last Sunday I wanted to watch a DVD but every time I put the disc in and closed it, the disc would pop out again and this went on for about half an hour until I gave up. Then on Friday morning before work I could not find my headphones so I looked everywhere (I even blamed the cat as I assumed she had dragged them off somewhere) and this morning I found them on a top book shelf all neatly folded up so can’t blame the cat.
Last night I charged my ipod ready for today and made sure it was turned off, however when I got on the train this morning the battery was flat, explain that one? This morning I had The Smiths playing on the cd player and the volume kept being turned down or the player switched off.
I got home from work on Friday evening to find a box of dried cat food and a box of cat litter neatly placed by the front door, this had been dragged about 10 metres from the kitchen. At first kitty was blamed but then it dawned on me if cat food box was open how come no mess on the floor and how did said cat get the food up the stop too.
All this is starting to get to me and I now believe I am cracking up and am very confused….. After this morning I have decided I need to get out for as long as possible today as I can’t take it….

Further Education and the Cuts…….

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Just wondering if anyone agrees with me about the education cuts and especially the further education cuts and the costs for those going to Uni…..
Well surely the fairest way would be for those going to Uni to may the cost but not in a loan or loans but in a tax code. That way they could pay back over their working life what was spent on them. My feelings are why should I have to pay for someone to go to uni through tax when I was never given the chance to go. I pay enough tax and I am happy to pay tax for Education and Health not so sure about defence and the war (support our armed forces and they do a fantastic job and I am very proud of them). But to pay extra tax for someone to go to university and then end up better off than me is just not fair.
Its proven that people who go to University will earn more so why not pay more back to society so that the next generation can benefit or is it that some of these students don’t see this as education but a big drink up and social club and a way of avoiding the real world…..
I don’t want to sound bitter but people need to realize that this country is nearly bankrupt and needs to save every penny it can and if this means you pay for your further education well I am sorry but you can afford to later in life to pay…..

My New Lodger

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Last Sunday I adopted a stray cat who I guess is around six or seven years old very friendly and a lovely marmalade and while colour. She loves a cuddle and is very affectionate. She is great company but does love to sit on the stairs in the dark which has proved tricky at night.
She has mastered the art of turning off the radio in the kitchen along with the kettle as this is her new game. She won’t drink from the water bowl but prefers to catch drips from the tap in the kitchen sink.
Well this morning when I made it downstairs I was horrified to see that my cat had turned into an urban terrorist and destroyed the place over night. Well maybe not everything but pictures in frames all knocked over ornaments knocked of the side books knocked of shelf s and to top it off she had managed to puncture the front tyre of my road bike, guess with her teeth judging by the marks on the tyre.
Well I managed to get the place straight drag the hoover round and decided a chat was needed so I sat down with Charlie and she just looked at me with those big eyes looking all innocent and I guess you could say she has me under her thumb…….
Then to top it off when I was leaving for work she escaped, panic set in what was I to do etc. But luckily the bloke next door came out and she took one look him and was back indoors and I was so relieved…..just sat here wondering what I will find when I get home this evening…..

Yesterday

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Yesterday…..well what can I say, started with some good news with the doctor, I have been unwell for 3 years now and some days are a struggle to keep going work etc lack of sleep most nights are an hour or two but the odd 6 hours once a month….Medical staff can offer no answer until yesterday and doctor says we think we may know what one problem could be, so more tests and I should know by Christmas. Fingers crossed and all that.
Work was quiet as it was Thanksgiving in America so I decided to get some I.T. Issues sorted on my pc but that failed as they were unable to sort out, way beyond them if you ask me. Then it was the Christmas party and for the 14th year in a row I was working (do you think they were trying to tell me something) but had an interesting chat with some of the girls in the office about writing a blog and they understood why I won’t share my blog at work.
Then feeling hungry I went to cook my tea and too my horror I realised I had left my baked spud at home, so it was off to M&S I went to get something and I managed to get a ready meal. More about that later. On the return some kind person barged past me and pushed me into a slow moving bus and I bounced of it and thought I was ok just felt stupid.
Anyway back at work I heated and ate the ready meal and after a while my ribs started to hurt so decided to head for A&E to get checked, on arrival I was booked in and waited for a doctor xray etc and started to feel very unwell being sick migraine etc, then the penny dropped there had been a very large quantity of garlic in the ready meal that should not have been there and me and garlic are not the best of friends. Anyway I asked the hospital staff if I could go home as I didn’t feel well so they rushed me through and diagnosed badly bruised/broken rib and sent me home with some ain killers.
Feeling a little better now but lesson learnt and no more ready meals for me and always double check the labels. Murder trying to get out of bed with the ribs this morning, but last time it took 3 months to heal so only 2 months 29 days to go….

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