Its happened again.

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Another day and yet again I am faced with pain after being badly treated by someone, don’t want to go into details but met her a month ago, things going well then all of a sudden total blackout and then this morning an email saying sod off….or words to that effect. So here I am back to square one feeling low sad and tearful and wondering what to do next. Any ideas coz I don’t have any, just fed up with this lark what’s the point of trying to find someone anyway its always going to end it tears as they seem to love playing games with me. Buld me up and then kick me down…..why dont people thing about what they want before they start seeing someone. Like I said to a friend and I should listen to myself ”all the good ones are taken!!!”


New Years Resolutions……My plan for 2011……



That’s it and at last 2010 is done with…..won’t lie it’s been a crap year and the 3rd year on my own but the worst by far…..constant battles with people i don’t want to battle  with, had to stop working nights and ended on days which ended in evening, body clock is so messed up I don’t know if I am coming or going sleep wise…..Sleep has vanished, don’t eat, get hassle from the ex and from people at work, but I guess if you follow me on twitter or read my blogs you  will get the picture already.

So 2011 a new year, very excited as this is going to be a great year for me, I have decided and I so want it to be a good year I am going to do what I can to ensure it is…..first piece of good news happened on Monday at work when a friend invited me to hers to play the WII on New Year’s Eve with some of  her friends……not really played the WII or games for that matter but so excited about going out and so looking forward to it…..

A while back on twitter a friend suggested that I should start doing some  me  time, wasn’t sure but I did in the end and the first me time was a haircut at the beginning of December and it was a complete failure the usual lady wasn’t there and  instead of going home I had someone else do it and it’s still a mess…..Second me time was going to see Billy Bragg when I was very ill, begged the doctors to let me go was in hospital and they agreed and it was an amazing night, I loved every second and it did me so much good…. and another twitter friend suggested that I make a list of things I want to do…..I did this and I have now fiddled and changed a few things and this is now my list for 2011……I have added and crossed off a few things……

So next year I am going to go with the flow, and every time I get a setback it will be for a reason and this is a positive thing to happen instead of a negative and me getting all upset and down in the dumps again as this does me no good at all….Work isn’t looking good it could be gone in the next few days but by the end of February at the latest, there is rumour of another job in a different department….Now my thinking is if it’s the end and no offers I go and I will pack up and travel…..I  have a plan to climb Mount Kilimanjaro as in African myths this mountain is special and if you are down and low you climb to the top and your troubles stay there….This mountain will hold the key to me and my future as I believe in the myths as I love Africa…..The only problem is if  I see a herd of Elephants  while crossing the savannah I will want to spend my time  following them…..I do love Elephants such beautiful animals so loving and friendly…..To Do the mountain I will be away for sometime and I will not be working…..So I have given this a lot of thought and I will not be able to pay maintenance while not working, this has been hard for me to decided as I have always put my daughters first even though their mother stops me seeing them…..But after the way their mother has treated me and destroyed the relationship I  had with the girls I have decided to put ME first and this is such a new experience for me…But back to work and if  I get offered something in the  company where I work I will take that and save save save and Kilimanjaro will have to wait but I  will get their……Thinking back when I left nights I should have asked to move to another job in the company….but thats hindsight…..Once the African adventure is over I will come back and I will find work…..I am not fussed and I am prepared to work anywhere in the world so guess it shouldn’t be too hard and then I will resume paying the maintenance from wherever I am in the world…..


My list not in any order though…..


1. Kilimanjaro

2. Better health…..needed for no 1 and to be honest I am fed up of feeling so rough for so long….but guess that’s down to the doctor’s         now so nowt i can do.

3. See a Johnny Clegg Gig….South African musician who is awesome and I  love his songs when i am down they make me smile and remind me so much of Africa…..

4. Toughen up and put me first…..this is hard and I will struggle as I always have but others first but now feel people take advantage of me for this and walk all over me….so I  have to make this change no matter how painful this is…..I also need to be less generous with other and grow in confidence…….

5. I would like to do some charity work if money allows in South Africa with both animals and children….

6. If i stay working where I am I need to change a few things at home…..I need to get a hobby and not spend so much time staring at the computer screen, I am going to read less as sitting reading isn’t going to help number 7 on the list…..and I would love to have a better understanding of the tech stuff and not be such a luddite…..

7. To get fit (this is needed to climb Kilimanjaro)  as i am a high risk for altitude sickness, but also health wise…  properly….when on nights I ate well and 3 meals a day but I have got worse since then and now I am down to a few pints of milk and the odd cuppa soup a day….I used to love my food but now it’s such a chore to eat and I don’t know why…..(could be the illness as my weight is all over the place)

8. Some new friends and a social life ….not easy as it sounds when you are as shy as i am….but going to give it a go….

9. If I work abroad I would love to work in Europe and Russia on the Barges travelling the water ways what a life that would be……..well I did spend 10 years on the Grey Funnel Lines so it would all come back to me and I would love the freedom and independence….

10. The hardest one but to try and rebuild my relationship with my daughters as I would love to see them again….but it won’t be easy with a mother like they have who is hell bent of stopping me….and the worst part is I don’t know why….she wanted the divorce and I gave her the house and my only crime was being ill and wanting to work part time……

11. I know I said 2010 was a terrible year but I will take one thing away from it and that is i have to learn from my mistakes and i mean learn and not make them again….once is ok but twice is just not acceptable…….


12. Request to Apple please  invent a solar powered  IPod for me when I travel and make the memory massive as I now have one 64gb touch and two classics and the first classic and tough are full…..


Following a conversation on twitter the other evening I have done what one of my friends suggested and bought the Lego Tower Bridge set and I am building it at the moment….I had forgotten how therapeutic Lego could be and i am loving building the set…..

Thank you for reading my blog and I would like to wish you  a very Happy New Year and please leave a comment good or bad as I would love to know what you think especially about putting me first as I am still struggling with this idea and the paying of maintenance…..Thank You….one last thing i hope this makes sense but the dyslexia has been so  bad today and i keep re reading and changing and now I am in a right state and not sure if  it makes sense……


Thank you to all my Twitter friends who have been great and supported me so much this year and especially the last few months……x